Patience in Parenthood

Love is patient, love is kind… – 1 Corinthians 13:4

Y’all know that verse. You’ve heard it in wedding vows and seen it on Facebook posts and in church and who knows where else. But this morning as I was cuddling Ollie as he drank his milk and getting into his nap it popped into my head.

Because guess what, it takes a lot of love and patience to be a parent!

About a year ago I wrote about needing to have more patience at bedtime. And looking back now, I’m not sure if I learned more patience or if he just got better at getting to sleep at night. I can tell you that bedtime is much better now. Thank goodness.

But patience is still a virtue that I’m chasing every day. At almost 17 months old, Ollie isn’t communicating with words and phrases. He’s getting there with mama, car, go, and lots of pointing and grunts and the like, but he can’t come to us and tell us what he wants. So that leads to a lot of guessing games and trial and error in trying to figure out what he wants and needs. We’re lucky that (unless he is tired or hangry) these “Do you want this? this? this?” games don’t often cause him to breakdown into tears or screams, but they can still be frustrating and a pain in the ass if we’re trying to get things done.

It’s the same when he is standing on a chair instead of sitting. He’s been told over and over again to sit on his bum, but he really wants to stand and it excites him, so he does that first, and then sits when he’s told. There will come a time when I expect him to know it and do it right away, and we’re going to get there, but we’re not going to get there any faster by me losing my temper.

My only goal in all of these situations is not to take out those frustrations on him. The little dude is less than a year and a half old. He doesn’t understand the reason I can’t really hold him and cook dinner in a hot pan at the same time. He doesn’t understand that he doesn’t always need a tablet, my headphones, fidget cube, etc. Reasoning with him is a touch-and-go, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t proposition. I understand that, which helps me to keep my cool in those situations.

Ya, I get my dad voice on sometimes and give him the stern “no” or “Ollie!” or even the dreaded “Oliver Jameson!”, but all of it has to come with some sort of patience.

Here’s where it gets tricky though. Being patient with the holding back any release of frustration can go badly if you aren’t mindful and careful. We’re all only human. Parents like to be told that we’re superheroes, but even Batman lashes out inappropriately at times.

Dads, moms, caregivers, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas – all of us need to know and be reminded that being frustrated by a child is not a reason to be a dick to an adult. And it happens, I’ve seen it. Here, at home, we are doing well so far in not having that be an issue. We’re fortunate to have a fun-loving, happy kid that isn’t terrorizing us on the daily. And I’m sure that helps our cause. But just as much as my goal is not to take my frustrations out on Ollie, I HAVE TO have the goal of not taking them out on his mama either. Or anyone else.

As I was thinking about writing this post and making notes and even know while I’m writing It, I’ve been trying to think of any tips that I have or can share that might help. I want to do that, so I do have a list. Some of them may be more attainable than others. Some of them may not appeal to you at all. But I do hope that there’s something in there for you. And I would invite you to leave a comment with any tips that you have for releasing or reducing or diffusing feelings of frustration or stress or whatever else being a parent can make you feel that you don’t want to take out on another person.

Note: I have been struggling with the idea that I am qualified to be giving any parenting tips to dads or moms or anyone. It’s a topic that we can dive into on another day, but I want you all to know that I’m not here feeling like I’m some sort or expert, I’m just a dude with a kid trying to tell you what I do or give you ideas about what you can do.

Tips for Dealing with the Frustration of Parenting

◙ Talk to your partner or a friend or someone about the things that are frustrating you…
— DO NOT feel guilty about having these feelings about your kid. You’re human, things get to you, things get to all of us. You being frustrated with the actions and behaviour of your child does not mean you don’t love them so don’t beat yourself up about it. But ya, talk about it.

◙ Get some alone time to relax…
— Read
— Listen to music
— Watch your favourite show or vlog or whatever
— Take a bath
— Go for a walk

Note: This one doesn’t have to mean you’re actually alone. You can sit on the couch with your partner with your headphones on and listen to music or watch videos. You can read. You can draw or stitch. You can be alone, together.

◙ Meditate…
— This isn’t something I know anything about, but there are a lot of guided meditation tracks on Spotify that I’ve been thinking about checking out.

◙ Release some of that energy watching sports or wrestling or whatever…
— Cheer for your team, boo the rival, hate the refs, etc.

Note: If you do this, please don’t tweet terrible horrible things at the athletes if you are unhappy with them. Keep your humanity.

◙ Enjoy a hobby…
— Maybe it’s a physical activity like exercise or sports. Maybe it’s artistic like cross-stitch or painting or writing. Let your mind and body focus on your hobby instead of the parenting angst.

◙ Scream into a pillow
— Self-explanatory

◙ Give your kid the finger behind their back
— Self-explanatory

This is the important piece I want you to take away – you deserve to find a way to let go of any parenting frustration and holding onto it can hurt you. Your partner and other people in your life can be there to talk to you about the ways parenting tests your patience, but they aren’t there to suffer the brunt of it. And finally, your kid, who is the reason you need to be patient, who you love with all of your heart, and who can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, deserves your love and not the result of any frustration they may inadvertently cause.

You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person or parent if your kid gets on your nerves. You can get through it and none of us are perfect. You’re human, welcome to the club.