How Do I Know If I’m A Good Dad?

Here’s a true story. 10 minutes ago* I put Ollie down in his crib, in his jammies, sleep sack, with a belly full of milk, and to sleep for the night (I hope). We started his bottle on the couch, in the spot that his mama gives it to him six nights a week, but he was wiggly and distracted, so we moved into his bedroom. And as I sat on the futon and he rested his little head on a pillow on my lap and drank his bottle and started to fade out, I wondered how I’m supposed to know if I’m a good dad.

*I starting writing this as soon as I threw his dirty diaper in the garbage and put his bottle back in the fridge and cleaned up a little bit.

I feel like I can’t be the only dad that has ever thought that.

And I know that moms are in the same boat. I’m not for a single second suggesting that I have it harder, have more responsibilities, more expectations, more pressure than Ollie’s mom – or any mom.

But I am saying that I want to be a good dad and I don’t know how to know if I am.

On Friday night’s Oliver’s mom is at the salon until sometime just after 7:00 pm when she and her co-workers close up. That’s not too late, it’s no big deal, but 7:00 pm is Oliver’s bedtime, so it is kind of a big deal because it means I’m the one putting him to bed when it’s something that Jess usually does with some minimal assistance from me. So on Friday nights I get the bottle ready and I put water in the diffuser in his room and I pull out pjs while he eats dinner. Then we go for a walk or play or read a book or listen to music or some combination of those things until it’s time for bed. Sometimes he’s sleepy and agreeable to the process. Sometimes he’s a pain in the ass. But he’s always asleep in his bed by the time his mama gets home. I achieve the goal. Even if I did forget to put him in his sleep sack one time.

It’s the smallest thing. One out of seven nights. 14% of the time. That’s it. But I get it done, I feel a sense of accomplishment, and I know I could do it on any given night if I needed to. But I still don’t know if I’m a good dad.

Tomorrow morning he’ll wake up and his mama will likely get out of bed to be with him and change his diaper and start breakfast and I’ll get out of bed and come down the hall and he’ll smile at me like he’s happy to see me. It lights up my world and is truly a great way to start every day. But I still don’t know if I’m a good dad.

When I’m away covering a festival, or I’m sleeping in after a late night, or if Jess and Ollie get home from somewhere and I’m not here – he’ll go to the glass door that leads to the office space where I can usually be found to look for me, because that’s where he thinks I’ll be. It’s 1000% sweet. But I still don’t know if I’m a good dad.

We can play and laugh and give kisses and cuddles and read and whatever. He smiles and we giggle and he often listens to me when I ask him to do something. But I still don’t know if I’m a good dad.

Do you see where I’m going? I have all these signs and examples of things going well. He’s a good kid and we get along and I can get him to sleep and he’s happy to see me in the morning and I make him happy when we play. But I still have no idea if I am doing a good job raising this tiny human.

Am I doing what I need to do to show him how to be kind and compassionate? Am I reading to him enough and exposing him to teachable moments and educational things? Do we have too much screen time?  I say I love you a lot, but is it too much or maybe not enough? How am I supposed to know?

I don’t want to be the “I’ll give you something to cry about” dad. I think that’s good, but I don’t know. I do want to be the “you can tell me anything” dad, and I think that’s good too, but I don’t know. I love sports and he’s showing and interest in sports, but I am also cool with him loving art or fashion or dolls, and I think that’s okay too, but I don’t know. And I know (or think I know) that I should be the “there are times you need to listen to me and do what I say” dad for his safety and health and wellbeing. Right?

And I have a boy, so I’m not conditioned to ask myself if I’m going to be “cleaning my gun on the front step when my kid’s boyfriend comes over” dad. What a freaking mess that is.

Here’s the thing, and where I keep landing. I have no idea if I’m a good dad and a lot of guys don’t know because being a dad isn’t something that we’re taught or pretend to be at playtime when we’re young or anything else. For better or for worse (and I get that there are two sides to the coin) girls are taught to embrace a maternal instinct and to love and cherish and nurture their children. And while we may be getting there with dads, I can not shake the institutionalized expectations of providing monetarily and being stern and thinking about discipline and all those dad jobs that have been passed down through the generations.

Yes, I want to provide and ya, my dad look and dad voice are coming along. But I also want to love and nurture and cherish my son. But does that make me a better dad for wanting both, or a worse dad for not focusing solely on the first?

I don’t know. I think I know, which is why I’m making the efforts I am and the commitment to try and be home with him as much as I can and have special moments and growth and all those things. But really, how the eff am I supposed to know?

He’s only 17 months old. So does it all even matter right now? How much of this first year and a half of his life is he going to remember? How much does it matter? Am I setting things up for a healthy understanding of life and love, or is this time that I shouldn’t be worried about, and be with him more later? How am I supposed to know?

And if I don’t know now, how will I know when he’s 5 or 11 or 17 or even 23?

I don’t know if there is an answer here. I can try to do my best. I can hope he turns out alright and learns some things and is a good person and loves me.

There’s a meme I’ve seen a bunch on Facebook that reads, “If you see a mom, don’t tell her she looks tired, she already knows. Tell her that she’s doing a good job, she might not know that.”. It’s a great concept, and you should absolutely tell good moms that they are good moms.

I’ll add an ask on to that. If you know a dad, and you think he’s a good dad, please tell them. Sometimes we need to hear it too.

Thank you.