When I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I tried to avoid admitting it for a while, but I’ve come to realize that there are a lot of times that I don’t really know what to do or what I’m doing when it comes to this daddy life of mine.

Ollie is just over four months old now. He’s healthy and he smiles and laughs a lot. He rolls from his back to his tummy (left and right!). He’s got an exersaucer that he’s getting used to. And he loves his favourite toys and playing with his mama and me. All of that is great.

BUT…

Sometimes this little dude hits a wall and screams bloody murder. 👶 😭

He cries until he chokes because be’s run out of breath. 👶 😭

He screams in our faces because he’s fought sleep for so long he doesn’t know what else to do but keep screaming. 👶 😭

He fusses like mad until Parent 1 passes him to Parent 2 (who holds him the exact same way) and then stops just because. 👶 😭

👶 😭

I love him to death. But he consistently (not constantly) reminds me that I don’t really know what I’m doing.

And that’s where this comes in.

Every time I get frustrated because I don’t know how to make him sleep or make him smile, I know that the only option is to keep trying.

Note: It is very important to me that I add this caveat. There are times when I do hand him off to Jess. Or I go and get him from Jess if he’s being screamy at her. We’re a team. I don’t see that as giving up though, just us trying to make it work.

Everytime I feel like I have no idea what to do or what I’m doing when I’m pacing and rocking him or handing him his dummy or a teething ring or trying to get music put on to calm him… I know that giving up isn’t an option.

They say that 90% of being a father is showing up. But I think that it’s about more than showing up. It’s about showing up and putting in the work. And I try. But I can do better. I can be more present. I can try to work on the balance between downtime and him time.

He needs me to keep trying. He deserves my effort. He is worth it.

And I need to do it because I want to be a good dad. I want him to think that he has a good dad.

So when he needs me to walk circles around the parking lot to get him to nap because our walk to the park wasn’t enough, I’ll do it. When he needs me to roll him from his belly to his back for him because he’s frustrated that he can’t do it himself, I’ll do it. When he needs me to hold him or rock him or pace with him because he’s freaking out, I’ll do it. When he needs me to make up silly songs and bounce him to turn a frown into a smile, I’ll do it. And when he needs me to lay with him in the dark with the music playing to get him to fall asleep so he can go to bed, I’ll do that too.

I’ll keep trying, even when I don’t know what I’m doing. And I think that’s the secret.